Anime Fantasy Unlimited

Aragon Speed · Joined: 21 Oct 2007 Posts: 75

This is just a bunch of stuff I found funny or interesting. I apologise if there are any doubled up jokes, but the list started to get too long to double check.

Hope you enjoy these as much as I did.

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The definition of team work: Click

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The Best "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Replies:

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'

(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

11: I've run away to join a different circus.

12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.

When I return, please refer to me as ' Loretta' instead of 'Steve '

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An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with God, The Almighty. He asks one of his new students to stand and.....

Prof: So you believe in God?
Student: Absolutely, sir.

Prof: Is God good?
Student: Sure.

Prof: Is God all-powerful?
Student: Yes.

Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn't. How is this God good then? Hmm?
Student is silent.

Prof: You can't answer, can you?
Let's start again, young fellow. Is God good?
Student: Yes.

Prof: Is Satan good?
Student: No.

Prof: Where does Satan come from?
Student: From...God...

Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student: Yes.

Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything. Correct?
Student: Yes.

Prof: So who created evil?
Student does not answer.

Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?
Student: Yes, sir.

Prof: So, who created them?
Student has no answer.

Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son...Have you ever seen God?
Student: No, sir.

Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your God?
Student: No, sir.

Prof: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?
Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

Prof: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student: Yes.

Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student: Nothing. I only have my faith.

Prof: Yes Faith. And that is the problem science has.

Now the student said: can I ask something to you Professor.

Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Prof: Yes.

Student: And is there such a thing as cold?
Prof: Yes.

Student: No sir. There isn't.

(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.
(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)

Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?

Student: You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something.
You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light... But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't. If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?
Prof: So what is the point you are making, young man?

Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?

Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realise where the argument is going.)

Student: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavour, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

(The class is in uproar.)

Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?

(The class breaks out into laughter.)

Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable.)

Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.
Student: That is it sir... The link between man & god is FAITH. That is all that keeps things moving & alive. .

WANT TO KNOW WHO THAT STUDENT WAS?

This is a true story, and the student was none other than

DR. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam, President of India.

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'Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline'

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep o before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up.

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Go to your bosses computer, move the cursor off screen to hide it.
Hit print screen,open paint and paste image and save to a location.
Right click on desktop and change background image to the save image. Right-click the desktop, point to View, and then click Show Desktop Icons to clear the check mark. This will hide the active icons and leave the image icons. Check the 'Auto hide the taskbar' option in the taskbar properties section. move your mouse to the bottom of the screen, right click the task bar and untick'Lock the task bar'. Click and hold the top edge of the task bar, then drag it downwards so that it is a very thin line. what will happen is that nothing will work because he will be clicking on a image instead of his desktop.

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The cost of words:

Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Martin looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Martin asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Martin asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone! I'm married!"

Cost:
Self-induced hangover -- $100.00
Broken furniture -- $2,000.00
Breakfast -- $10.00
Saying The Right Thing While Drunk -- PRICELESS

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London undergrounds new ski slope.

You think he would go to the alps.....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/6501897.stm

Here's the utube link the beeb didn't want you to have.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFqQOlYE4EE

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This is my life:-

http://www.arcamax.com/pic/10298/996718
http://www.arcamax.com/pic/10299/703310
http://www.arcamax.com/pic/10309/668245
http://www.arcamax.com/pic/10319/591725
http://www.arcamax.com/pic/10320/244593
http://www.arcamax.com/pic/24320/148677

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I hate Mac's:

I spent a few years working on a Mac, roundly cursing them on a daily basis. I found this and I totally understand where this guy is coming from. This has got to be the funniest thing I have seen so far this year.

Even if you have never used a Mac, take a look, 'cos even from a PC users point of view you can relate to the problems.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okeBJICS_tQ

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http://www.hishgraphics.com/blog/images/cylon01.jpg

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I found this on another forum, It's so good I'd thought I'd share.

My wife, Anna, is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, 'hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!' Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my 'fancy' is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Anna. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed.
Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Anna what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Franky looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Franky) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Franky for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Anna to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, 'no friggin' way!'
Friggin' way--trust me.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Franky looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it buddy,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time.
Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ***! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!
I'm pretty sure that Chuck Norris ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Franky was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, 'do it again, do it again!' (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't lodge one of the prongs 1/4' deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!

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Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer
them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately
. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What
position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his
place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong
again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?

Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
Maybe.

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.

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A little boy wanted $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God , USA , they decided to forward it to the President of the United States as a joke.

The President was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy $30. The
President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $30, and decided to write a thank you note to God, which reached the President and it read:

"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through the White House in Washington , DC and those donkeys deducted $20.00 for taxes"

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A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employers home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked

"Yes" whispered the small voice

"May I talk with him?"

"No"

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"

"Yes"

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No"

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes, whispered the boy, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child

"Busy doing what?"

Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman", came the answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter, through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What's that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?!", demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?!!."

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...... ......

"ME"

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A store that only sells one item - new husbands - has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and

Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with

Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited

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Marketing Xplained with LOVE !!!

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich."

"Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich."

"Marry him." -That's Advertising"

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich."

"Marry me - That's Telemarketing"

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you

walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:"By the way, I'm rich. Will you"

"Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations"

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:"You are very rich!"

"Can you marry me?" - That's Brand Recognition"

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

"That's Customer Feedback"

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband.

"That's demand and supply gap"

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him.

"That's competition eating into your market share"

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives.

"That's restriction for entering new markets"

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How to reduce the chance of getting conned. (Funny, amusing, interesting, and bloody eye opening!!): Click.

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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTOR NEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure!?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " Texas A&M."

And they say blondes are dumb...

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A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

-----------------------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

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Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

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Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

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This is why I use SNOPES

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER:

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I can no longer buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either!
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 47,000 people in the next 47 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:47 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 47 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....AND
A scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late...

------------------------------------------

Interesting facts:

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

Don't skip this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg!

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

-------------------------------------------------------

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quotes:

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." presumably that'll be a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado. M Lovejoy

My teachers told me I would never make anything of myself if I sat staring into space during lessons. However, I had the last laugh as I am now the Astronomer Royal.
Martin Rees, Greenwich

"She can dish it out, but she cannot take it", I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.
Mrs Pinches, Hereford

Speaking on BBC news, the Official Receiver of Wrecks for the Napoli said that all items washed up on a beach, if unclaimed, ultimately belong to the Queen. Bearing this in mind, I've just spotted about forty used blobs, a dozen jamrags and a tractor tyre on my local beach. If nobody has claimed them within a month, I'll parcel them up and post them off to Her Majesty.
Dafydd LLywslls, Bangor

So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.
D Antarctica, Rhyll

On the Nivea advert, Jane Fonda says she's 68 and she's never felt better. That's as may be, but for my money she looked a lot better in Barbarella.
Tristram Trolleydash, Bude

MFI's new tag line is 'You dream it, we make it'. They are obviously relying on my dreams being mostly about cheap cupboards.
Peter Marwood

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.
Stella Matlock

How can police go around arresting people based on DNA evidence when we share 98% of our DNA with chimps? It might be chimps going around committing all the crimes.
H Montgomerie, Luton

I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done BT, keep up the good work.
Charles Turner

Whenever I buy a DVD I have to sit through a trailer telling me not to watch pirate movies. Yet Johnny Depp stars in one and the posters all say 'Must See'. Make your minds up, Hollywood moguls.
John Scone, Bonne

---------------------------------------------

Maria had just got married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her; "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.

“Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

“Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

“Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half?!"

Her Mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta."

---------------------------------------------

1. Men are like ..Laxatives .... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like .... Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

---------------------------------------------

There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question.
To he first he said 'what was your biggest sin on earth?' and the man replied 'Oh man I just love alcohol and being drunk man' so the devil showed the man to a room full of alcohol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said 'see you in 100 years' and locked the door.

To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied 'oh man I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife man'. So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of gorgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said 'see you in 100 years' and locked the door.

The third man's answer to the question was 'oh man I just LOVE weed! I'm high all the time man and I can't live without it!'. The devil showed the man to a room packed with the most amazing grade-A bud you've ever seen, stacked to the roof! The man went inside and the devil locked the door after saying 'see you in 100 years'.

100 years later the devil came by to let the three men out. He opened the door to the first man's room and found the man collapsed on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him. He was a mess.
The devil opened the 2nd man's door and the man came running out of the room and cried 'IM GAY! IM GAY!'. Finally the devil came to the third man's room and opened the door. Sitting in the middle of all the bud, in the exact same position the devil had left him in was the man. He looked up at the devil and with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked ; 'hey man, got a light?'

----------------------

An out-of-breath 8 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question. 'What is sex...?'
He was surprised she'd ask such a question at her age, but thought if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn't shirk his responsibility. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.
When Grandpa was finally done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing that she was overwhelmed, he asked her what had caused the sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, 'Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.'

-------------------------

A man walks up to his wife, grabs her backside and says to her:
'Do ya know if you firm this up you could get ride of your girdle'
Rather annoyed she decided to bite her tongue and say nothing.
Later that night in bed the husband squeezes her tits and says:
Do ya know if you firmed these up you could get rid of your bra!'
Absolutely fuming, the wife reached over, grabbed his dick and said:
'Well, do ya know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of the gardener, the milkman and your fucking brother!!!'

------------------------------

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. 'How did you end up with the peg leg?' he asks.
The pirate replies, 'I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.'
'Wow!' says the seaman. 'What about your hook?'
'Well,' answers the pirate, 'we were taking over a ship when one of them hacked off my hand.'
'Incredible!' says the seaman. 'How did you get the eye patch?'
'A seagull shit in my eye,' the pirate replies.
'You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?' the seaman asks.
'Well,' says the pirate, 'it was my first day with the hook.'

----------------------------

The Diary Of A Viagra Housewife

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work.I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that 'Oops, sorry' thing again, I'll kill the ******.
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on.
The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over anymore.
Last night I told him to go and **** himself and he did.
Day 16
The ******* has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any
difference...Christ! Here he comes again!
Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him.
What absolute bliss!

-------------------------------

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
'Wow...that looks deep.'
'Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is.'
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
'Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.'
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, 'Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in,
it's GOTTA make some noise.'
The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air
and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?
You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!
Nah, says the farmer, That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was chained to a railroad tie.

------------------------------

The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
'This', he said, 'is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it'.
At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer's microphone.
'Where is my father?' he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.
On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.
Clever Guest laughed.
'Actually', he said, 'My father is dead'!
It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, 'Where is my mother's husband?'
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, 'Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa.'

---------------------------------

A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it up in the helicopter window.
The pilot's sign said, 'Where am I?' in large letters.
The people in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it to the window of their building.
Their sign read, 'You are in a helicopter.'
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at the map, determined the course to steer to the SEATAC airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the 'You are in a helicopter' sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded, 'I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer!'

--------------------------------

A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer were all being led to the guillotine to be executed. They ask the priest if he wants to face upward or downward when he meets his fate.
The priest says that he would like to die face up, so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies.
They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next, the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest.
They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. So they release the drunkard as well.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says, 'Hey, I can see what your problem is!'

--------------------------

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, 'I brought ten apples.' The king then explained the trial to him. 'You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.'
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, 'Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?' The second one replied, 'I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.'

---------------------------------

Some people in Tennessee have trouble with all those 'shalls' and 'shall nots' in the Ten commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks in middle Tennessee got together and translated the 'King James' into 'Jackson County' language.... no joke, read on...
The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, TN.)
(1) Just one God
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Put nothin' before God
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(7) No killin'
(

Watch yer mouth
(9) Don't take what ain't yers
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day

--------------------------------

Children's Science Exam Answers:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water
tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon,
and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax
and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section.'
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word ' benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

-------------------------------------

Tom and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool ,
Tom suddenly jumped into the deep end.He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.She swam to the bottom and pulled Tom out of the pool.
When the Director of Nursing heard of Edna's heroic act,she immediately ordered her to be
discharged from Hospital as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.She went to
give Edna the good news.
Edna i have good news for you,and i have some bad news too.
The good news is you are being discharged from here since you were able to respond
rationally to a crisis by jumping into the pool and saving the life of another thus demonstrating you have sound mind.'
The Director of Nursing went on to say,' The bad news is that Tom, the patient you saved
,hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt, right after you saved him.I am so sorry,but he is dead.
Edna replied,
'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can i go home?'

----------------------------------------

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, 'This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!' So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, 'Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?'
'Ma'am,' the officer replies, 'You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.'
'Slower than the speed limit?' she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!' the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that '22' was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
'But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in th

Hikaru-san · Joined: 09 Sep 2007 Posts: 47 Location: Never Never Land

I'll read these in spirts ^-^

I read:

Aragon Speed · Joined: 21 Oct 2007 Posts: 75

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Thought you might like that one.

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Courtesy of Ame-Chan.

Ame-Chan · Site Admin Joined: 06 Sep 2007 Posts: 163

I got to the one with the kid on the phone with the man's boss. XD
I loved the drunken husband one.

I'll read the other half next sitting. ^^
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Aragon Speed · Joined: 21 Oct 2007 Posts: 75

Yeah there is a huge amount there. I don't blame you for splitting it into chunks.

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Hikaru-san · Joined: 09 Sep 2007 Posts: 47 Location: Never Never Land

haha

funy stuff

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